yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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