So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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