I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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