My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
