i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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