your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
