I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize