you traded sex for a burrito?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize