I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
