just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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