sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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