i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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