I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
