Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
This is classic penis vs brain.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
