And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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