Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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