Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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