The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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