If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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