dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
