I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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