Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
