you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
