it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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