it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Blow job season was short but glorious.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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