His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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