I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
