Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
