Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
