He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
being pregnant is like rehab
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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