Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
