dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
