He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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