we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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