matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
