he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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