I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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