thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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