awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
