Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
