I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
