I can tuck mytits in my pants
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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