I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
