I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
