I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
