i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
