Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
