I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Randomize