I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
