just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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