Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
