I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
