Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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