oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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