Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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