If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
