did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
