I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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