i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Randomize
