There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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