I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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