Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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